I have however, had the opportunity of visiting Germany in winter which was all fine and well because it was for a Holiday ........... the snow was pristine and festivity was in the air and in the back of my mind I knew that it wouldn't be toooo long and I would be back home again where the Sun shone bright. What does stand out for me was the artificial heating wherever we went. Whilst I understand the necessity of artificial heating in homes, shops & malls, here's the "thang"*whisper* - I felt like a sacrificial lamb. Hot & bothered all the time ........... and now you are going to say - "but you should be used to the heat, as you come from a country where the summers are hot" - well, yes I am but the heat that I enjoy is natural heat. Am I making sense, lol, most probably not. I remember always having flushed rosy cheeks and feeling as though I was going through my "menopausal years (hot flushes)" which I wasn't because then I was in my late 20's and nowhere near menopause!
Before I attempted to brave the outdoors, my Sacrificial Lamb Ritual was ..............
- On with my shoes - in a German household everyone walks around the house in House Shoes??? You leave your Outside Shoes at the door.
- On with my Jersey
- On with my Scarf - wrapped around my neck twice so I looked like one of those woman from a tribe that puts rings around her neck to make her neck longer (apparently helps her with finding a husband, long necks are supposedly very sexy???)
- On with my Winter Jacket - by now I felt like a hugely oversized Michelin Man (you know that Orange One) & also by now the Sacrificial Roast Leg of Lamb
- On with my Gloves
- By this time I had started to show signs of "premature menopause", tiny beads of perspiration on my top lip and a face that looked like a "roast leg of lamb - cooked to perfection, medium to rare on the inside & outside - U G L Y!
The above-mentioned all being done under duress and now taking the bold step outside where the temperature is REALLY COLD. You guessed it, now my nose would instantly start to run, picture Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or better yet Patch Adams, I could have shown them both a "thang" or two. Got in the car and away w
e go to our destination. It didn't end there - in the car, with all these millions of layers of clothing and the heater on - RED meaning damn Hot. I start unravelling myself in the car -scarf off, gloves off, oh what the hell let the jacket stay (the beads of perspiration haven't gone anywhere, still on my top lip!) sitting on the wrong side of the car as well as the wrong side of the road - takes a while for my brain to sort that one out (lol) ............ yihaaaaa, I am FINE (F***ing, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional). The traffic lights (we call them Robots in SA) are also all in the wrong place, you have to strain your neck (this is where I secretly wished I was one of those Long Necked Tribeswoman) in order to see whether we must STOP or GO through the windscreen. We finally got to our destination - and now the whole scenario starts again, wind my neck up, on with the gloves and Hoooooray we braved the Mall!
Artificial heating at it's best - by this time my face now looks like a really hot over ripe tomato, ever had one of those (lol)? To eat I mean, not GREAT! The unravelling starts all over again, unwind my neck, take off my gloves and my jacket, and I hold all of these clothing items together with my handbag over one arm - no wonder I suffer from a bit of tennis elbow (lol). I looked like a Pack Horse, dammit - all I needed was the theme song for High Chaperal playing in the background and that scene wouldn't have to be shot again. It's a WRAP people!
So, now do you sympathise? Premature Menopausal Sacrificial Roast Leg of Lamb Hot Over Ripe Tomato ........... you can't get better than that (lol), or maybe you can - convince me, tsk, tsk ..........
